Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
