Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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