Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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