I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
