So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
