BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
