someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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