guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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