dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
