I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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