If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
As shirtless as possible
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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