First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
