I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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