Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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