just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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