Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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