please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
