somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
