you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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