Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
