I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
