oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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