Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
