I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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