3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize