how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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