I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
