if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
