No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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