My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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