Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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