Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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