and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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