i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
