guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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