she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
