I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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