I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
