Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
