Four minutes until I can fart!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I want her autograph on my taint
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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