So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
