its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
