How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
