I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
