I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize