get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
