im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You can't just leave with hair like that
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
