Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
