My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize