i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
