Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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