my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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