The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
