Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
