watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
