I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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