8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
