Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I wear drunk well.
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