If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Your penis caused this!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
